Brewstew – Health Class

Alright, now when
I was a kid in middle school, it was required to take
a semester of health class. And health class
was pretty straightforward. It was mostly just a class to
steer you away from cigarettes and alcohol. “Smoking cigarettes causes cancer!
Do you see this picture right here?” “This is what a cancerous lung
looks like from smoking!” “Uh.. that looks like
a picture of Lindsay Lohan.” “What? What are you talking about?” “Oh yeah, that is Lindsay Lohan!
She was in the Parent Trap!” “I don’t know what the hell
you guys are talking about.” “All I can see is an infected,
diseased, disgusting lump of shit!” “Cause by years of self-abuse.” “That’s all I see.” The teacher would always make us go up
in front of the class and do presentations. “My presentation is called
‘Alcohol ruins your life’.” My sources are this book, “A Fifth of Scotch a Day
Keeps Your Family Away.” And an interview I did with my stepdad. But the drug and alcohol talk
was nothing, compared to sex ed. Because in sex ed your teacher
would say some shit, that you would never want
to hear them say again. “Okay everybody,
today we’re talking about the panis.” “I know some of your are
gonna be giggling every time I say it,” “but panis is just a word.” “P-A-N-I-S. PANIS” One day we were sitting in class, and the teacher taped
the bunch of STDs to the chalkboard. “Okay, now I know you guys are at
the age, where you’re going through puberty.” “And your body is starting
to go through changes.” “My body is changing?
What am I, a fucking anamorph?” “For example, you got Todd over there.” “He thinks he’s pretty cool, because
he’s got a few whiskers on his upper lip.” “Well Todd, you think your
shitty excuse of a mustache is gonna save you
from the horrors of gonorrhea?” “I don’t think so.” “All right, I want everybody to pick your
favourite sexually-transmitted disease and present it to class next Friday.” Well, I didn’t really know
what my favorite STD was, so I just picked chlamydia. Because chlamydia kinda
sounds like it could be like a Pokemon. – Chlamydia, I choose you, go!
– Blerp. So for this presentation, I decided to make
this big-ass poster board to show to the class. I got the word chlamydia written up top
in big-ass bubble-letters like an idiot. I’m standing at the bus stop
in the morning, people are driving by,
honking their horns and shit. “What the hell,
is that kid advertising chlamydia?” “Hey asshole, I got plenty of chlamydia
from my ex-wife, no thank you!” So I’m standing up there,
in front of the whole class. It’s worth noting,
that I absolutely hate speaking in public. Let alone, when I have to list off
all the goddamn symptoms for chlamydia. “Okay, if everybody can refer to
my big-ass obnoxious poster board, you can see, that the common
symptoms include a burning sensation, and a yellowish discharge.” “Oh God! A yellowish
discharge from the panis!” “Who the hell wants that in their life?” But I thought that was
the worst part of the health class, it was nothing,
compared to the Miracle of Life. Because The Miracle of Life
was the movie made in the 80s, that talks about
where babies come from. And at first, when the teacher
wheeled out that bad-boy TV on the cart, we were all kind of excited. “Oh hell yeah!
What are we watching? Ghost Busters?” “I hope we’re watching Ghost Busters!” “Today, kids, we’re gonna watch
the film ‘The Miracle of Life’.” “And it’s gonna take you step by step from when you were a weird little
shrimp person in your mom’s belly to the fully-functional
human being that you are today. So we start watching this movie,
and 95% of the movie is indeed what he said. It does show us how we go
from weird little shrimp monsters to a fully-functional human baby! But then, outta fucking nowhere,
it cuts to a woman giving birth to a baby. And it shows everything. This chick is spread-eagled,
the camera’s right in their business. Everybody in the class room is horrified. “Oh, what the fuck!” “Oh sick, I just ate chicken Parmesan
for lunch for Christ’s sake!” Meanwhile the teacher keeps pausing
the video to add commentary. “And here we can see
the baby’s head beginning to crown.” “It kinda looks like if you cut
an avocado in half, doesn’t it?” (Blerp!) “Oh boy, that is messy!
I hope that cameraman is wearing a poncho!” (Blerp!) “And that was
The Miracle of Life, everybody.” “All right, anybody have any questions?” “Ah, yeah, can I file
a restraining order against your ass?” “So you can never
show me that shit again?” After school we’re all outside, traumatized. There are kids
smoking cigarettes and shit. “That was not the fucking Ghost Busters!” “Hey, you’re not smoking
cigarettes out there, are you?” “Is this really what you wanna become in life?
Take a good look!” Special Thanks To: Josh Denny. Special Thanks To: (These wonderful people) &
All the other Patrons!

100 thoughts on “Brewstew – Health Class

  1. It was a Christmas party and I’m walking pass some kids in the hall. They go “hey Erik whose your teacher” then I say “mr.enis” then I walk away and after one foot step I hear the kid telling his friend “put a P before the e”. Also is nobody going to talk about how that poster board is the size of him😂

  2. When I was in health class, they showed the same video. I'm in 10th grade right now, and I had health class in 8th.

  3. I love the picture in the background of the golfer and it says "Vas Deferens" 0:46. I remember that word from 2ish years ago in my very detailed health class.

  4. I love your vids, every time you make one im waiting on my tip toes for you to make another one. You always make my day thanks

  5. In sex-Ed the teachers would make us write little notes what question we have about the topic I put can you bribe cops with sex and they would read it out loud and everybody was dying of laughter

  6. I can say nigga for the longest


  7. Why do you hate Lindsey Lohan so much? You're videos are funny but almost all of them have her in it😂. Make a video about her

  8. Last year for my freshman living environments class, we used that same video to learn about, "the miracle of life". Most disturbing shi* ever if you ask me

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