It’s no secret that stress sucks. We’re all
very familiar with the negative impacts that it can have on our emotions. But what we oftentimes
don’t realize is it can physically kill us. It’s linked to the six leading causes of death
in the United States. So knowing how to reduce and how to eliminate our stress is one of
the most valuable life skills that I can think of, and that’s what this video is about. It’s
about the three levers that each and everyone of us has to eliminate the stress in his or
her own life. But before I get into that, we got to cover
the biggest misconception that I hear all the time, and I even am guilty of myself when
it comes to stress, and that is externalizing stress, saying that it comes from an event;
that it’s this job interview that we have, that it’s the conversation that we have coming up
that we’re nervous about, or, maybe, we’re just nervous about flying on an airplane,
and we think that that is creating the stress. The truth is, there are people all over the
world that just do not get stressed about those things, right? People that can walk
into a job interview cool as a cucumber or who can fly on an airplane without caring.
I happen to be one of them. It doesn’t bother me. But there are other triggers that I have
and that I’m sure you have. So for the rest of this video, I encourage
you. Play along with this. Go through the exercises for one particular thing that you
know causes you stress in your life and let’s see if we can eliminate it for good. So let’s start by defining what stress actually
is. It’s a mindset and it’s this. Stress comes from needing to have something turn out a
certain way that we feel that we can’t control and that we worry could go badly. Those are
your three levers. That sentence has all three components that we can use to destroy
stress. So let’s start at the beginning with this
first part. Stress comes from needing something to happen. If we stopped needing things, if
we stopped getting so caught up in what we wish would happen and trying to control so
much, we wouldn’t feel stressed. This is the whole Buddhist philosophy is letting go of
desires. Now I don’t advocate going that far. I
do believe, though, that the quality of your life is going to be directly impacted by how
many things you think you need. And trust me, fewer things is going to be better here. So, if we can eliminate feeling like we have
to have things to happen, that’s going to save us tons of stress. So the first thing
to let go of is the past. If you have done something in the past that you’re regretful
about, and that you wished you could do differently, and you turned over in your head. You can’t
control it, right? You’re not going to be able to influence it that way. So it just
got to be let go. For things in the future that we need to turn
out a certain way–a job interview. I feel this all the time when I’m on an airplane,
and I had a connecting flight, and I need to get to that flight on time. The best way
to handle this is something called “fear setting.” And this is something that Tim Ferriss discusses
in his book The 4-Hour Workweek, but it goes like this. Let’s take the example of the airplane. So
I’m on an airplane, I’m going somewhere. I have a connecting flight. It’s got an hour and
45 minutes and we took off 45 minutes late, so I’m going, “Crap, this is going to be a
really tight lay over. I don’t think I’m gonna make it. I got to rush off this plane.” The
way that I calm myself, that I deal with that stress in that situation is by stopping needing
to make that flight. And I do that by fear setting. I go, “You know what? Let’s assume
the worst thing happens.” I’m not going to make this flight. I’m going to be stuck all
day in this airport, maybe, even through another night. I have to get a hotel. I’m going to
be a day late to my vacation or my meeting or wherever it is I am going. And then, all of a sudden, even though that’s
doom and gloom, and that’s not what I want, I can relax, because I clarified what’s going
to happen in the future and I go, “You know what? That would suck, but I can deal with
it.” That is the best way to deal with neediness. If you’re worried about breaking up with someone,
right? Go through fear setting. Go what would happen if I broke up? Would I actually die
or would I be sad for a while and get over it? If you left your job or we’re fired, would
you starve, live on the street, be left out in the cold? Probably not. You probably have
to move in back home or with a friend, or take a smaller apartment and a pay cut at
a job that you didn’t like, but you would survive. When you start to fear set, truthfully, things
are not as bad as they seem. That’s the first piece. You want to get rid of feeling like
you need things. Second piece, moving on to the control part. If we can increase our feeling
of control. If we can increase the feeling of certainty, we can actually reduce stress.
And this is why most people feel safer when they’re driving than they do when they’re
flying. When they’re flying, they have no control. When they’re driving, even though
it’s more dangerous, and way more people die driving, they feel like they’re in control,
so they don’t get nervous. So if we can increase that feeling of control,
that’s going to reduce the stress. The best way to do this is something called tree planning.
And I did this when I left my job for the first time. I was very nervous. How would
I pay my rent? How would I make any money? And what I had that I just dug up for this
video is a 5-paged document of all the things that I could do that could generate money. I have, on there, I could lower my student
loans by casting them over 30 years. I could reapply to college so that I didn’t have to
pay my loans for another year. I could bask on the street playing the guitar for tips.
I could bartender. I could wait tables. I could do odd jobs. I could AirBnB my bedroom
and sleep on the coach, which I did. I have 5 pages of things that I did. And the
weird thing about this is that even though I left my job, and this is a longer story,
but got down to $300 in my bank account, sleeping on the floor, I wasn’t ever stressed, because
I knew, okay, if I get to the end of this, and this business doesn’t work, all that I
have to do is go back to this sheet and start at the top, and work my way down, and I’ll
be fine. It won’t be pleasant, but I’m not going to die. So when you can kill that uncertainty by tree
planning– The reason I call it tree planning is because most people have a stick plan.
Here’s where I am, here’s what I need. If I don’t get there, I’m screwed. It’s terrible.
A tree plan has different divergent paths, right? If it doesn’t work, I’d go here. If
that doesn’t work, I’d go here. When you have If-Then statements in your plan,
you have more certainty that it’s going to work out, that’s going to reduce your stress.
That’s the second thing. We got fear setting, we got tree planning. The third part, you think will go badly. Now,
for this, I know that I’ve used airplanes a lot, but actually because my roommate inspired
this, and he is somebody who is really not stressed in his life. But when he gets on
an airplane, he gets very nervous. He’s worried that it’s going to crash. I always found that
interesting about him, which made me start thinking about the ways that stress occurs
in our life. And for him and me, the difference is not that I need my life any less than him.
The difference is not that I control the airplane more. The difference is that he thinks it’s
gonna crash and I think it’s gonna land safely. So the best way to change our beliefs, yes,
he’s read the statistics, he knows, but we want to do that on an emotional level and
the best tool that I know of for this is an NLP Tool called the Swish Pattern. You can
YouTube this, Google it in greater detail, but I’m going to give you the 1-minute version
right now. Basically, what you do is, on this hand, you
place the image that you do not want to happen. You failed the job interview, the plane goes
and crash and burn, the conversation goes terrible, the girl rejects you, whatever it
is. And you play it out on this hand. On this hand, you have the good things that
you’d like to see. The plane lands safely, the job interview goes well, you got a date
with the girl, whatever it is. And you look at this hand and play it in your head vividly
as you see it in the way that makes you nervous. And as soon as you start to feel that heart
race, or get a little bit nervous, in your head and with your hands, in your mind’s eye,
you swish them out, right? You have this image. Explode through this
image coming towards your center of vision, right here. And what that’s going to do after
you do it 10, 20 times; it can take several minutes to do. But it starts to train your
habits, right? You’d get in the habit of every time I think
of the plane crash, and boom! Think of the plane landing safely and having a great vacation.
You do that consciously. You direct your brain to say, “This is what I want you to do,” for
10 minutes, for maybe 20 minutes. It’s not that long of a time. It seems like it. But,
then, even unconsciously, when you’re sitting on that plane and you start to go here, your
brain will automatically go down that new route. I don’t know, when we do that, Boom!
We see this new image and you won’t feel so badly about it. So, those are the best three things that I
have for eliminating stress in our lives. It is a mindset. It doesn’t have to be part
of our every day existence. And those are–just to go over them again–Fear
setting. That will kill neediness. You’ll feel like you don’t need things to go in a
certain directness or certain route that you have your overarching goals that you can achieve
in a ton of different ways. Tree planning. That’s going to give you all
the different paths to get to those goals. And then, of course, the Swish pattern, which
is just going to make you more optimistic and feel better. That’s it for stress. That’s all I got right
now, but I do have an announcement. I want to thank two people for actually setting up
Charisma on Command channels in different languages, and those people are Jose and Eric.
Jose for the Spanish channel and Eric for the Russian channel. If you want to check
those out in those native languages, if you speak them, go ahead into the description.
I have links to those. If you like this channel in English, go ahead
and subscribe. Of course, I’ll be doing all of the English. Those guys are doing the dubs,
but we have this kind of Q and A style that I take from my roommates and from the Comments.
We’ve also got Charisma Breakdowns of fictional characters, real life people, so that you’ll
know how the most charismatic people among us do what they do, how they speak so eloquently,
how they feel so confident, how they tend to magnetize people towards them. If you have any suggestions for videos like
this, Q and A style, go ahead, write them in the bottom, or people you’d like to see
me break down, I’d be happy to do that. And, of course, I hope that you guys have enjoyed
this video and I’ll see you in the next one.

100 thoughts on “How To ELIMINATE Stress

  1. Tree planning, or as my parent used to word it " plan A, B, etc" is one of the approaches I use to reduce stress or anxiety over uncertainty. Also it's good to know the routine you like to follow.

    Why don't you talk about Selena Gomez in your next celebrity video. Almost everyone likes her.

  2. This channel is one of the greatest things on YouTube. I started whatching these translated videos yesterday (I'm Russian man), but i have already realised how it's cool and useful. Thank you, Charlie!

  3. can you please explain how to deal with hyperactive egocentric sociopats? there is allot of people grown within e-cultures and there will be even more due to free acces to all kinds of information. and that is very weird. how deal with wierdness within any kind of people around you???

  4. This is awesome. I didn't know fear setting was an actual thing. And I do that all the time.
    This video makes me feel better about how I deal with stress and how I'm on the right path already. But thank you very much for the other tips.

  5. Hi Charlie, sorry to bother you.

    I was wondering if it would possible for you to send a template of the 'tree plan' that you referred to, it seems like a great idea!

    Thanks for much for the great content, I appreciate the help and advice!

  6. I would argue that Buddhist philosophy advocates letting go of attachment to the outcome of your desires, not desires on their self. They are actually asked to live lifes with objectives, and you can't have them without desire.

    Much like stoic philosophy. Live your life through the expression of your high values, even when it leads to suffering and don't attach to results, but to the idea of living in peace with yourself and your nature.

  7. This video was great! I naturally do these things in my life already but having you clarify them like this, I now feel comfortable teaching the techniques to others

  8. I have a problem. My stress centralises from my anger issues and my shyness. At school, I'm the one who acts shyly and don't speak much to others which stresses me out because I can't communicate well. At home, I can become violent because sometimes a family member pisses me off. I want all of these to end…Please help..Any tips?

  9. wow listen man you are just great I'm kinda having a bad life time with a lot of stress and you just helped me a lot thank you! I wanted to ask you a question I'm kinda having a problem that I'm planning to do something for the next day and than boom I forget it! yes sometimes I write it but when I don't I just try to remember what I forgot for days or even a week! what is the best thing I can do I know that you may say move on but it's hard as hell in the same moment it is just stuck in my head for days 😪

  10. "If you let your job or get fired, you would starve, live out on the street?"
    Definitely, it's the reality on underdeveloped country, like 75% chance

  11. This guy is super clever. He really knows his material on human behavior and thinking, rightly so because he has an active interest in this subject. Props to you, you did an amazing job explaining your points. Thank you!

  12. No lie, your videos have helped me through anxiety and stress… They give me a boost and an inner peace that allows clarity and allows me to move forward. Thank you!

  13. My problem is.
    I have a health problem.
    And often I am afraid to go somewhere or plan something to do far ahead because there is a decent chance I will get sick at that time.
    this is also what is keeping me from booking a trip because I'm afraid that the day I have to fly my health problems wich is something that is still
    occasionaly will turn up at the wrong time. And its not as if its unlikely to happen this bad scenarion has happened to me multiple times on the worst timing.
    And traveling is such a big endavor for me now because of it that I have doubts wether I should book or not.
    Even tough I want to go travel sooo much.

  14. I think, the first 2 levels, as they:
    1. Stop needing things. Fear setting can help with this
    2. Increase your feeling of control. Use tree planning as opposed to stick planning.

    seem to me logical and seem useful to help, . Personally, I am not sure re. the 3rd, "Create the habit of optimism" using mind manipulation techniques, those things just don't work for me.

  15. I'll be giving these tips a try. I'm really feeling optimistic that I'll be able to get my stress under control. Just your definition of stress "needing to have something turn out a certain way that we feel that we can't control and we worry could go badly." makes it a little better.

  16. wow…. you know what… you are totally amazing! I am your fan from now on! Keep posting awesome videos. Wish you an awesome life!

  17. Why dont you share 'how did you deal with your hard time charlie" ? A lot of us might get helped at some or the other way in our case. I really really admire your intellectually deep thoughts and i believe you will share it with a different way than others do.

  18. Charlie, I really appreciate the work you guys do here in your channel! Thinking about it, if you get interested in the idea, i can provide you Portuguese translation for your work for free, so people in Brazil will also be able to watch and learn all the amazing things you guys teach in here

  19. I actually understand everything but i have one problem that causes so much stress in my life and it's my goal to become a doctor. I feel like, if i don't make it, i won't be satisfied with what i'll have instead. Because this school can eliminate a large amount of money from my parent's money. I'm always thinking about it as if i won't ever make it. I might be overthinking it, if anyone has advices, please help me!

  20. Been so stressed out recently. Gf dumped me a few months ago, don’t feel comfortable around most of my friends, put on weight in a bad way. So many other factors too im just done

  21. booss u said what I m searching blah blh googling YouTube's . .
    so good to be HERE ! how I stop myself screwing over n over ?. blessed thanks . .

  22. Okay but my heart is still racing 20 minutes after raising my hand to ask a question so ? yeah there’s no hope for me

  23. I don’t know, but in my experience stress responses seems to go beyond thought. Yes thoughts and mindset can definitely increase stress, but there seems to be a deeper element to it. The mechanisms scanning for danger seems to somewhat operate on a different level. So using the word ELIMINATE seems a little bit radical to me. REDUCING seems more appropriate.

    Anyway, I appreciate your videos much, keep up the good work that you do!

  24. I feel so much better now. I was so stressed about not clearing a certain exam but now I know it's not the end of the world. Thankyou

  25. Hey man tried showing my
    Girl your video due to stress and she says “ your stressing me out” but then we laughed so it worked thanks

  26. stress comes from needing something from happening thst you cant control. give up trying to need something that dont matter. focus on fewer thing that rly matter. dont bother controlling that you cant control.

    exercise: whats worst things thats going to happen? you arent going to die.

    tree planning: make divergent things that can you do to circumvent the uncontrollable uncertainty

    switch pattern: you think bad situation and when you feel gloomy and sad and nervous, you change hand and look to think most positive situation. you repeat in turn and this will help subconsciously.

  27. Actually…why to eliminate it, and don't use it to improve your own actual situation. You just have to know what causes it, think about the worst thing that could happen and finally do it and keep it up as best as you are and can do. And I think i explained it way too simply but it could be material for a nice video or something

  28. I think it's amazing how you focus on each aspect of an issue or a feeling. It makes everything clear and understanding within all levels. Not only that, but you do it with sincerity and I love that ♡ Amazing video

  29. All I hear in this video is a dopey kid talking down to people who have real lives, and can't just talk their stress away. He acts like everything is "however I look at it", but many, many of us have people who depend on us, etc, and can't just "airbnb our bedrooms." I can't listen to his shallow, self-serving blather any longer.

  30. You can break down characters in scrubs. Those guys are sometimes selfish, rude, immature but still they are really charismatic and people like them

  31. Hey man I got fired from my job my fault obviously and been feeling stressed and anxious I like how you went over examples for people have have been fired

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