I’m on a Diet, But I’ll Be BAD

(upbeat music) – Thank you all for coming
to my secret volcano lair. I’ve asked you all to
join my cabal of evil. Each of you is ambitious,
cunning, and very bad. Doctor Nitrous Nefarious,
chemist of death. General Dominant Machete Hands, bloodiest warlord in the
world with machetes for hands. Jessica, cheated on her diet. – I’ve been bad. – And the hacker known only as Naxo, who has planted viruses– – Uh, I’m sorry. I just uh. – What, hm? – What’s Jessica’s deal again? – Oh, yeah well I’m on
this like low carb diet, which I’ve actually been
doing really good on. – Oh, congratulations. – Oh thank you. But then my friend, she
brought in cookies to work. And she made them herself. (gasping)
From scratch. And I know that she would’ve felt so bad if I did not have one. So I was like, you know
what, I’m gonna be bad. And I ate it. – Jessica no! You were doing so well though. – I had a cookie, I was
just like (bleeping) it. And I did it. – You see, does that answer your question, General Machete Hands? Now, moving on. I’ve isolated all the
nuclear silos in the world– – Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. – What the (bleeping), what, what? – I mean she just ate a cookie, though. Right?
– But she wasn’t supposed to. – Yeah, she’s bad. – I know, stop it. – You stop it.
– You stop it. – You stop it.
– You stop it. – You, you first. – What the hell? – Guys, I have to tell you something else. Last night, I ordered fries. I was out with the gals
and I said, ladies, for this one night only let’s be bad. And we were, we ordered ’em. And I said I was gonna split ’em, but you know I ate every last one. They didn’t stand a chance. – [Dr. Nitrous] That’s against the rules you set for yourself. – Am I right?
(laughing) I love you guys. – What the hell are y’all going on about? – Is something wrong,
General Machete Hands? Perhaps you think that
Jessica will make up for this misdeed by being
extra good tomorrow. I can assure that she will not. Sure, she says she’ll be extra good and then it just never happens. It’s always another excuse. It’s very bad. – That’s not bad! Everyone else here has done something bad. Doctor Nefarious designed a gas that makes people’s brains explode. Naxo rerouted money from
children’s hospitals to fund Mitch McConnell’s
election campaign. I kidnapped Special Agent Johnny Steel. (grunting) – You won’t get away with this. – Right, and Jessica
had seconds at dinner. – I just don’t see how Jessica’s
diet is at all comparable. – [Dr. Nefarious] Probably
’cause you’re not a woman. – Okay. – The truth comes out.
– No, no, no. – What, do you not have
a mother or sister? – Don’t do that to me. No, no, no. I’ve been on diets before. I understand–
– I don’t think you realize the pressure that society
puts on women, okay. – I’m just gonna sit out of this one. But you know, maybe listen a little bit. – Look, this is bad. – Oh! Oh, no, no, no. Oh no, oh Jessica don’t eat that. Oh that’s so much sugar. – What? – Uh oh, I got a chocolate. – What is that? What do you have there? – At least go for a dark chocolate one. – I already had one. (gasping) – What? – Oh come on, it was
coconut and it was gross, so it doesn’t even count. – It’s very surprisingly fatty, coconut. – Oh really, well I
got a surprise for you. – In front of our very eyes, Jessica. – Uh oh, uh oh. – No. – That’s two chocolates, Jessica. – My diet is shut (bleeping) now, so I’ll just start again tomorrow. – No, Jessica. – Hey, does anybody want
some peanut butter s’mores? I know I do. We’ll see if there’s
some left for you guys. (laughing) – Well you know what, that
actually, that is bad. That’s really bad. – Hey, I got a question for you. – Me?
– Yeah. – Go ahead. – I’ve just been
wondering, how do you pee? (sighing) – Hey, it’s Mike Trapp. If you like College Humor
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100 thoughts on “I’m on a Diet, But I’ll Be BAD

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  2. Ha! Pathetic.. these normies are no match for the crimes that I have commited….

    I left the toilet seat down when I took a piss

  3. He cut off his dick first time he tried and now he has to have those tubes extracting all waste from him, like those with kidney failure

  4. I'm supposed to eat food with fat and protein because during the play I accidentally lost a little bit of weight. It wasnt on purpose.

    For some explanation I unintentionally went from 103 to 100 so I'm a tiny person and I'm only 14 so weight loss is noticed by my doctor

    Because during the play I didn't get much breakfast because I never have time and in the evening I didn't get much of a dinner because late rehearsals

  5. But the real question is did General Machete-Hands lose his hands and have machete's grafted on in their place, or did he purposely have his hands replaced with machetes?

  6. I really hope that General Machetehands can somehow become a recurring character in College Humor sketches. The other characters are good too.

  7. The only thing that is bad here, is this half assed improvised sketch, go back to making quality sketches and stop improvising, tf.

  8. having cheat days for your diet isn't that bad as long as they don't happen often. your body uses them to wake up from near-starvation mode and burn through calories better.

  9. I was honestly expecting her to confide in her friends that she’s been bad and then say she robbed a bank or something 😂

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