Look Toward Wellbeing When Your Laundry List of Woes Grabs You


– Hi everyone.
– Hello. – (laughing) You’re chipper this morning! So, I wanted to share
something that hopefully, will save you having to ever even go see a relationship coach. – Wow, that’s a bold statement. – Well one thing that… And hi everyone who’s joining
us, Tanya, Wendy, James, thanks so much for watching live. So one of the things that
I notice is very typical in our relationship coaching work is, when someone comes to see us
and we’re meeting with them, and you know, we’re starting out, they want to share all of the things that their
partner is doing or not doing that is really upsetting them. And of course, that’s understandable, that’s why they’re seeing us. And so there’s usually
quite the narrative, what? – What I like to call
my laundry list of woes. – Yes, Angus calls it
his laundry list of woes. (laughing) So that’s just a really
typical start to the work and part of what our responsibility is, is to really help our
clients see that that list, their laundry list that they come with, their story that they
have about their partner, that that is not the direction that we’re gonna be looking in. And in fact, we have
to really help them see that the only way to find an
experience of peace of mind and greater inner freedom
is to put that list away. And to realize that trying
to fix their partner, change their partner,
have things on the outside be different, that that does not get them to where they think
it’s gonna take them to. And what is available though, is the realization that the
experience of wellbeing, the experience of greater peace of mind, what people are really looking for, their partner isn’t taking
that away from them. Now I’m not saying that
their partner is behaving perfectly or that there isn’t
things that are going on that are challenging, but looking at that isn’t
going to help someone experience that place of wellbeing
that’s within themselves. And really, that’s what we’re
gonna be pointing to at work. So, in order to have you not
have to do any relationship coaching, if you realize
that it’s so common to, in relationships, to look
and think that when we’re not experiencing our own wellbeing within, when we’re out of touch with
that and not experiencing it, it’s so easy to then look toward our partner and find reasons as to why they’re at fault for the fact that we’re
not experiencing it, right? – Absolutely, (clearing throat) excuse me, I’ve got a frog in my throat this morning. – You okay?
– Yeah. Yeah, no, I was just thinking about this. And in a sense, I… Well first and foremost,
yeah, we’re not doing any laundry when we’re
do relationship work. (laughing) We’re just actually saying that
you’ve got a whole wardrobe filled with beautiful
clothing that you can access at instantaneously, we don’t have to start agitating all those old narratives. But I was thinking in terms
of the old narratives, it’s almost like, it’s
last year’s computer code. Our intellect is very well-equipped to try and figure things out. And then when we get into a low mood, then it’s like that
intellect will go and access last year’s computer code
and get very stirred up. So it’s always a reflection of that mood and that state of mind,
and just understanding that that’s really last
year’s computer code, and it’s all just an illusion,
something that we made up in the moment, and we often
wanna make our partner the fall guy for our upset. – Or girl.
– Or girl, for our state of mind, just
understanding that, allows us to just take our hands off the controls and realize that we have an
innate state of wellbeing that we will always, there’s
a gravitational force that always pulls us back there. And all we have to do is just
leave the computer code alone. It’s kinda like, it’s almost
like that movie “Tron”, I’ve said this before,
that there’s this sort of computer game that we’ve
created over the course of our lives, through our
intellect, and it’s very easy to get sucked into it
like Tron in that movie. And just having the understanding that that’s what’s going on, understanding how the mind works, just gives us the opportunity
to leave it alone, and just accept that we’ll
come back into wellbeing. – Yeah,that’s absolutely
what our natural state is and understanding how
the mind works is so key, but also understanding that
wellbeing is beyond any cause. That what we’re pointing
to when we’re talking about wellbeing, it’s impersonal. We’re talking about an
impersonal state of love that is beyond any cause
outside of ourselves. It can only be found within. And ultimately, that is
where we wanna be looking to, when we’re upset, especially
when we’re feeling upset, that it’s really
remembering that the upset is simply a temporary
feeling of being disconnected from that essence of who you are. And if you put extra energy
into then thinking about, why it’s your partner’s fault,
what they’ve done wrong, making them responsible for
you having that experience, it just takes you down a rabbit hole that creates more suffering,
because ultimately, there’s never gonna be an answer there. Your partner’s never going
to be able to connect you with your wellbeing
because it’s inside of you. It doesn’t matter how perfect they are, how good they are, how much they try, you’re still gonna have
experiences where you get disconnected from your
experience of who you really are. What I’m calling wellbeing. And it’s nobody’s fault,
it’s not even your fault. And getting comfortable
with the truth of that, that as humans, we go in and out of that deep connection with who we are. It doesn’t mean it’s not there. It doesn’t mean that we’ve lost something or something’s broken, it’s
just we can get caught up in the illusion of life and
the illusion of our thinking, and as Angus is calling it,
the last year’s computer code. And then we feel the
effect of that internally, and we don’t feel the peace
that’s available to us. And for me, having that
understanding more deeply available to me on an experiential level,
really helped me go from, you know, spending a lot
of time thinking there was something wrong with my relationship, there was something wrong with me, there was something wrong with Angus, because I really thought
that my emotional state was a reflection of that. And when I saw that my emotional state was just a normal human emotional
state that goes up and down and all over the place, and
it’s not anything to be fixed, that’s just the nature
of the human condition, and that who I am is far
greater than just my emotions and just my thoughts, that
there’s a space within that is a deeper experience of who I am, who we all are, that is a taste of greater freedom. And I’m not saying that
I’ve just had touches of that experience, but… Just a little bit of that was enough to really shift our relationship. – Mm hmm, I think maybe when we’re in a poor state of mind, and our intellect can
only see black clouds, all we have to remember is
the sun is always shining. (laughing) – Are you being facetious?
– No, not at all! (laughing) I wasn’t trying to be facetious. Maybe I was trying to be overly dramatic. (laughing) And I missed my mark, badly. (laughing) – I didn’t understand that joke. – I was just trying to make
that be a punctuation point. I thought that, you know,
I think that is the case. I think that we get so
caught up in the illusion that we think it’s real, that
we’re in a poor state of mind. And our poor state of mind
goes looking for a fall guy. Our poor state of mind goes
looking for a narrative to press play on, and
unfortunately, more often than not, the person that we’re most closest to becomes the target of our
wrath, and really for me, speaking for myself, this
is a case of remembering that I will come back into wellbeing and to mistrust the sentiment
that really is on display when my mood is dipped,
it’s like that for me is the learning curve, is
to always be suspicious of the thinking that
comes onboard when I know that I’m wrapped around
the axle of my thinking. – Yeah, and you know what this is for you. You know what your
experience of wellbeing is. You know what your
experience of inner peace or inner freedom is in personal love. Nobody can put that into
words, so you have to recognize that for yourself and
the more you recognize it for yourself, the more
you’ll see that it really has nothing to do with
anything outside of you. And the more you see that,
the easier it is to navigate anything that’s going on outside of you. It just seems to create
this beautiful buffer where, for myself, I
just take things in life a whole lot more
lightheartedly, less seriously. When I do get all
wrapped up and caught up, I wake up to it sooner and
kind of can laugh at myself a little bit at how crazy
I got in that moment. And it’s not about being different. I still have all of a lot
of the quirks and things and irritable things that I
do that I know you don’t like and I know you can irritate
me, so it’s not about, we have to improve ourselves. But we naturally become
more fun and lighthearted and loving and kind when
we take our thoughts and feelings less seriously. We just naturally soften,
our edges get softer and life seems just that much easier. And relationships become
a whole lot easier. So, hopefully you find this helpful. Hopefully it saves you from having to do any relationship coaching yourself, because you have what you need within. It’s right there and
it’s simply remembering that waking up to that, respecting that, valuing that, and knowing where to look when you’re really suffering. – The sun.
(laughing) – Bye everybody.
– Bye. – Take care, lots of love.
– Have a good weekend. – Have a great weekend, bye.

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