100 thoughts on “Neediness, Dependency & Boundaries – Mental Health Videos with Kati Morton | Kati Morton

  1. I struggle a lot with boundaries… My boyfriend tends to be bery needy and clingy because he struggles with extreme fear of being left… I always want to help him and not hurt him and end up forgetting my own needs and boundaries…

  2. The reason I keep my phone on me all the time is because its my alarm clock….maybe I should invest in a real one? lol It scares me to go without my phone.  I always think "what if I get in a wreck and need it…or someone tries to kidnap me?" "or someone gets hurt and I don't have my phone on me?!" Its such a hassle…..never really thought about it before though! Thanks Kati <3

  3. this video topic is just what I needed today, thank you Kati that really help boost what I was already thinking. What do you do with friends who are so needy they inadvertently emotionally blackmail you ?  I have a toxic friend who I found out is in a domestic violence situation with her partners of five years. I have been supportive but she steps all over my boundaries even when I verbalise them as she says I am the ONLY person she can talk to. I'm trying to tell myself that its not selfish to value my need for personal space but I've been struggling to turn my phone off, I want to very much but what if something goes badly wrong and I can't help her? I would feel so bad. What would you do? I've asked her to tell someone else but she refuses. I'm 50 miles away and feel helpless x x 

  4. Great topic and video, thanks Kati! Maybe u could do a video concentrating on internet/social media dependency? I feel like this is a problem that gets spread more and more.

  5. I am having a very hard time with not being needy with my estranged husband. I find myself calling and text messaging him constantly and I don't know how to not be so needy and I get angry when he doesn't respond or he responds the wrong way. And I have recently moved in with my mother and she is always overstepping my boundaries by randomly barging into my room. I have resorted to locking my door just to have some privacy. I don't know how to tell her to leave me alone.

  6. This has become a major issue in my life since becoming single, I used to say I really wanted a clingy person but the longer I've been alone, the less I want that. It's really hard finding a middle ground.

  7. Attachment is such a huge ED factor for me! I've gotten better at it though. I don't think people are going to just leave, anymore 🙂

  8. The thing that I get muddled about is when someone doesn't seem to make time for me or be bothered about me, but I also know that I am clingy, so I'm not sure if it's just me or if my concern is reasonable. How do I work that out?

  9. Kati,
    After being in an abusive relationship how to we let ourselves start other relationships with people separate from our abuser? How do we begin to let that wall down?

  10. This is such a helpful video for me, I struggle so much with stuff like this!! – it's a big part of my BPD…A similar thing happened to me yesterday on my phone. Someone didn't pick up & I got really mad so decided that everyone hated me & therefore I didn't want to speak to anyone for the whole day! Am gonna start setting my boundaries tomorrow:) thanks for your amazing channel kati!:) xox

  11. how do you reply to someone who responds to your boundaries with," well see if i ever do suchandsuch for you again!" and they cut you off, even if they are family?

  12. I don't see whats so wrong with being needy but It's one of the reasons i have trouble asking for help. I'm afraid i will become too dependant on someone and they will eventually hate me.

  13. It's so hard to come to terms with other people's boundaries… because how will I know if it's a boundary or if it's because they hate me? That 'waiting for a reply' is so triggering for me. I don't know how to stop it being so triggering. That's why it hurts to get close to people, because I have to wait for replies more often! The wait is confirming that I am not worth knowing.. when in fact, it is just a boundary 🙁

  14. #KatiFAQ  my therapist wants me to talk to myself in front of a mirror for 10 minutes about certain subjects each week, for example: confidence, love, etc. I don't know how this will help me because I'd feel really awkward and I hate how I sound, wouldn't this just make me more uncomfortable with how I look and sound, and not more confident?

  15. I think the thing I struggle with the most is enjoying my own company. I hate being alone and I'm not really sure how to deal with that. If I'm not around anybody then I don't feel like I'm worth anything, therefore I'm constantly trying to contact people/be around them which leads to me being intensely lonely/depressed. I don't know how to fix this but I would like to 🙁 I guess it's too complicated.

  16. You seem like a really caring person. I'm sure you're not in any need of more patients. I think you have to be realistic about what therapy can be expected to accomplish for any individual, but I always found the support of a therapist very helpful. Unfortunately, I haven't had good medical insurance in many years, and haven't been able to afford therapy in several years. What you were saying about how we respond when people lie to us really hit home with me. I have a lot of difficulty with that… Maybe if it happens just once or twice, you may not be able to ascertain with any certainty that someone's lying to you, but after numerous incidents, I think you can pretty much rule out other possibilities. What to do though… often, I don't think that's an easy thing to decide. If the lying relates to some underlying conflict, you're kinda stymied unless the parties are willing to give up the conflict. In fact, the lying may be an indication that that party is unwilling to give the conflict up. I mean… you need a conflict partner.

  17. 1. Integrity,
    2. Compassion,
    3. Convictions,
    4. Equality,
    5. Trust,

    I know I have to work on some of them myself, but love being married and finally knowing what is important now then I did before.

  18. #KatiFAQ
    1. How do you tell the difference between neediness and needs that need to be met?

    2. How do you know what is okay to need? 

    3. Can neediness be delt with by setting boudaries toward others? (That’s how I interperted it when I watched the video) I’ve always though you had to set boundaries for you own behaviour.

    Gah! This is so confusing..

  19. During one of my relationships I noticed I was getting agitated when my partner talked about some past event and would start blaming me for spoiling their experience because I "complained" about something which was a misinterpretation of my sarcastic humor. Well I would take that as an offense and felt like I was being walked over so I naturally fought back and blamed her back for blaming me. Thanks for this video.

  20. This is an AMAZING video! Thank you so much for making it! And for your whole channel for that matter! What an incredible resource you provide to those who cant get personal therapy! I, personally, have access to a few OHIP covered sessions, though I do really feel I could use more, and thus I really appreciate finding your Channel!
    Some of my biggest issues are with boundaries with myself and in relationships, as a result of bad parenting and ptsd that followed different events of abuse. With that, I found this video incredibly helpful and have saved your boundaries playlist to watch at a time when I have more mental energy to pay attention 😛 lol – thank you again! You are a wonderful person to make such incredibly helpful resources available to the general public <3

  21. You are so right..You just made me realise whats going on…and now I need to set boundaries for myself because I deserve it! Thank you so much!

  22. Hello Kati, I've been having some relationship issues with my boyfriend, and I would love to share this video with him, but I can't because he's deaf and there are no captions on your videos that work. It's really hard to find a counselor because we either need an interpreter who we trust to interpret with a hearing counselor or a deaf counselor. If you could please add real English captioning on at least this video and the others I have commented on I would really appreciate it. it would mean so much. Thank you. 🙂

  23. Hey Kati, I'm really struggling with this stuff at the moment more than ever. My mum walks all over my boundaries whenever she pleases! I have been seeing a psychologist for over a year and I have been working really hard at putting gin boundaries. Like having alone time in my room at night and not spending all y time with her, and not replying to all her messages straight away because she expects me to be accessible 24/7, and to message her day updating her on what I'm doing and where I am.
    Anyway today was the final straw. It was my day off so I was sleeping in, but was woken up to a knock on the door from my neighbour because mum had called her to check if I was ok after she couldn't get in touch with me and calling 15 TIMES.
    I don't know how to deal with her anymore, just seeing her name come up on my phone makes me so irritated i want to scream! Any tips on ways to deal with her while I'm still at home as I'm trying really hard to move out but she constantly makes me feel guilty for that so it's taking longer than I'd hope.
    Thanks so much for all your support, your videos always make me feel better xx

  24. I don't get romantic feelings… so I really don't know what a healthy relationship is really like. it's… degrading

  25. It's so nice that you talked so gentle in this video.
    Sometimes I feel awful and all I want is to write to the psychologist I'm seeing, she gave me her mail, but I can't do it, I feel like always is the wrong time or that I'm actually needy, I don't want to break the boundaries that a psychologist and her patient should have…

  26. Thank you so much for this! I have struggled with boundaries and only recently realised the importance of having them and how I have had blurred boundaries for a while.
    my 5: 1. Respect. 2. Trust. 3. Communication 4. Safety 5. Personal lives/joy (Independence)

  27. ooooooh so that's why I felt upset!!!! I finally understand, ummm well I might sound stupid so let me explain myself, actually I was in class once writting my diary online, (yeah I have an online diary :p ) a classmate asked me what I was writing so I told him it was my personal diary, so he went away I started typing again and then he came back and he asked if he could read it, he didn't even wait for my answer he finished reading everything I wrote!!!! well I was quite upset I didn't know why at that time but now I do thanks a lot for sharing this with us 😀

  28. So there's this girl I like. But when she doesn't text me I often feel alone. I get agitated. I get really depressed. Is it because I'm too dependent on them? The thing is we aren't even in a relationship.

  29. one of my biggest problems in terms of being able to not be so dependant is I don't have other people I can count on. I try to talk to my brother or cousin but they don't respond no one does. how do I find supportive people in my life?

  30. My dependency has gotten so bad that i literally cannot be alone. Physically ((like not living with someone.)) I am currently alone and living alone and pretty much every night im having breakdowns or am extremely depressed and suicidal. My anxiety shoots through the roof too. I get this way all the time if im alone.

  31. i had to comment ….ur awesome… and you helped me get thru …ur inspiring at the same time a natural teacher what the world needs …I read the other comments and I'm Glad to know I'm not alone…we all have our faults but to remain true you are some of the glue that holds us together …u r great..u have my full support

  32. Katie you effen rock, i see strength in your wise femininity , your not trying to fight like a super hero or imitate the aggresive male traits which feminism thrusts upon us as the so called strong women, no its not that, its this wise approach that is the real female strength, in that arena you are the rock star I hope girls look up to you and see the truth of your words.

  33. what's the difference between being too needy, and having your needs met? like what if I'm just the kind of person that ABSOLUTELY NEEDS to talk to a certain person to function??? does that mean I'm just overly needy and have attachment issues???

  34. a family member of mine really dont respect my boundaries. i've tried to talk to him about it but it was nothing. he intentionally annoys me. i apply no contact rule. i dont talk to him. i dont provide narcissistic supply. but then the problem is he keeps on annoying me by not respecting my boundary. how do i deal with this? thank you Kati Morton. you enligthen me with your videos. they were all very helpful. xoxo. keep it up:))))

  35. All of these things are important. I am in another bout of Sepsis. and the boundries I have been setting has made this time around so much easier. I am very ill again but this time I know to let go and keep the people around who help not create more drama. I am getting better both better both mentality and physically. Thank you so much. ❤️❤️❤️

  36. do you have videos on how to deal with paranoid partner who's isolated you? (paranoid that I'm going to find someone else and fall in love..)

  37. I usually love your vids, but this one has a couple points that bother me a little bit. The turning off of the cell phone is not necessary for everyone. Honestly, I don't understand how anybody could completely silence their phone because a loved one might need them, but to each his own. For me being severely depressed, BPD, and sometimes suicidal I know what it feels like to be all alone and in crisis and have nobody to call. For that reason there are a couple of people that I am always accessible to. The other thing that bothers me is how you say honesty is so important to you, but then you also say that if you were going to meet with somebody that you didn't want to spend a long time with you would tell them you had something else you had to do in an hour and a half. That's lying and you have recommended similar untruths in a couple other videos. How is lying to someone part of a healthy relationship?

  38. What if you have a friend who's suicidal and struggling with depression. Is it ok if I pick up their call at 11pm or 12am? Should I pick up that call or should I have personal boundaries about this with this person?

  39. this video I liked but do not like the boundaries x-girl friend life-long-therapy pt used
    against. Can't a boundary be set up to exploit ME! EXPLAIN, MAKE VIDEO. probably
    Narcissist on the sliding scale of sociopath to psychopath. eg. manipulative, decep-
    tive and self serving patterns of behavior./ sense of entitlement. Her: listen to me!

  40. I am of the opinion that if it is a true emergency they can call law enforcement and they can contact me. That's old school.

  41. Very important to tell the other person, I've done it to people and I think they have done me without saying what and why and it leads people to assume that they are going to end the relationship or no longer love/like you etc… Healthy people already have boundaries, if both people have mental health issues or one does it's very very important to discuss it or could just send someone into a terrible place.

  42. Kati, thank you so much. I really needed to hear this as it’s one of THE most difficult issues I have with others – them over-stepping MY boundaries and disregarding my time and life.

  43. I'm learning that as my boundaries are set up, the people in my life are getting angry and being more aggressive and passive aggressive. It hurts a lot, but that's okay because I must have those boundaries with them especially – and this will help me set boundaries in new relationships! Thank you for your wonderful videos!

  44. I'm not sure where to ask this, but I would love to see a video about sensory processing disorder. All your videos have really helped and I am just looking forward to more videos thank you.

  45. Should you set boundaries when it comes to a boyfriend having girlfriends? Its the one big problem we have in our relationship. It always ends up with me beeing hurt, he becomes angry and i feel ashamed for feeling what im feeling. When do you have to meet the other person half way? I dont want anything to happen behind my back but at the same time a healthy relationship should be free. I wish I didnt have this trustissues, I wish I didnt care or felt anything around this. Sometimes I manage but I always feel like I need to really push the feelings down and ignore them. Should I ignore them or should I find someone who accepts my boundaries? Maybe I misunderstand the message of the video… I just think its easier said than done to show other people that they have crossed the line…

  46. Excellent video! A lot of codependents struggle with boundaries. I feel codependency is a real mental disorder that doesn't get taken seriously in our society. Codependency can ruin someone's life just as much as a drug addiction can, but it isn't given the attention it deserves.

  47. #katiFAQ My problem is the opposite. I've been so used to setting walls and detach myself from others that I often feel lonely and out of touch with everyone else. I know I can't depend on therapy only but I really struggle to reach out.

  48. Avoiding people keeps me from crossing their boundaries, but people i can’t avoid constantly crossing my boundaries and some even get a kick out of it. When i do pick & choose to uphold a boundary, i get belittled or made to feel i am somehow in the wrong or have no right to do so. SLD / Attachment Disorder / Codependent?? Probably.

  49. Thank you Kati, I feel upset, agitated and distant because of my friends. We don't communicate well anymore and I don't see them on a regular basis. I think this happens with adults a lot. This gives me a lot to think about though. I wish I could have healthy friendships again.

  50. I disagree as a parent about turning off the phone. No I don’t like being disturbed by silly stuff. However this past summer I got that phone call every parent fears. My 34 year old son was in a car accident and on life support. So no, my phone is always on! He’s still healing from a traumatic brain injury. I have grandkids, some may have elderly parents and that may not be an option. I do choose if I want to answer or not depending on who it is.

  51. Hi, Thanks for the video, so good. I was just wondering if you could suggest some T.V/movies that show people who have a healthy relationship? I'm finding it really hard to find somewhere to just start.

  52. I like to listen to stories and hypnosis recordings to help me relax and fall asleep. My phone is the best way for me to access these things, so, I programmed it to automatically go into Do Not Disturb mode at my bed time so that it won't ring or vibrate in the middle of the night unless I get more than one call in five minutes, just in case there's an emergency. I also use its Night Mode, which is where it turns off its blue backlight at sunset to facilitate sleep, then turns it back on at my next alarm to help me wake up. I have a Droid Moto Z2 Play.

  53. Neediness… I have been on both sides of this.

    Let's start with the current side: my partner can get SUPER needy, and it's exhausting. It's especially exhausting, and even irritating, when he's not happy with how I'm responding to him, because I begin to feel like I can't win (like nothing helps). He picks and picks, trying to get me to give him whatever it is he wants (emotionally), and it… well, violates some boundaries …. and drives me nuts. He gets upset that I'm getting distant (and in his mind, that means I might leave him), and THAT causes me to put a distance between us simply because I'm feeling invaded by his little pulls for unending reassurance. Then he insists it's all me, which drives me more nuts and causes me to back off more, because I really feel like I can't win. But in the event I get upset enough that I snap back, that doesn't help either, because he feels like if I'm upset with him, I also might leave him.
    I always just have to wait a day or two for it to blow over and for him to feel more sure of himself again. But beyond that, I'm at a loss for what to do that could actually help and not leave me feeling completely drained.

    On the other side is when I've been needy. I've grown a LOT past this. But for me, when I was being needy, it was actually because I was trying to get what I felt was missing inside, from external sources. For example, I wanted to feel wanted, loved, and validated, so I was always pulling and pulling at others to give that to me. More attention from my boyfriend, telling my mom all my problems in hopes she would validate my feelings (funny, because she NEVER has and that's why I felt a deep lack there), hoping people will "be my friend," etc.
    But it was never fulfilling for me, and was draining for them. That's because, it wasn't something that they could truly fill up; it was a hole that I had to fill up. I had to learn how give myself love and validation first.

  54. Great video, love it but why say “I know as a girl I do that” .. that seems rooted in a kind of sexist mindset that females are more clingy or needy and attaching that idea to your gender rather than your experiences that made you feel the need to be clingy.
    Not trying to be negative at all, great videos – just an observation! X

  55. #KatiFAQ

    Hi Kati, please can you do a video on revictimization? I guess I'm interested in how it can keep happening and ways to make it stop. Thanks 🙂

  56. Hey Kati,
    I love your videos… is it possible for you to make a video about boundaries on having a healthy social media or know when your with someone with a healthy social media. Lots settings to change to hide things. I hope I made this understandable?

  57. I like that. My phone is programmed to turn itself off at 11p and wake itself up at 7 a. M.. I refuse to be nagged in the middle of the night

  58. Some of us have on call jobs that really do cause us to have to be accessible at all times though. I guess we just have to set a different set of boundaries in other ways. But the work thing is non negotiable for some of us.

  59. I'm terrible at setting boundaries. I was dating this guy who completely walked all over me and I could enforce healthy boundaries ;( worse, I couldn't even let him go! He moved to a different state and it ended but I have so much to do and so much healing ahead of me. My self-esteem is shattered.

  60. When it comes to boundaries I am still working on those and I am only just starting my therapy for BPD

  61. I am a 54 year old man and the truth is WOMEN ARE CRAZY! best bet is to find a grounded man and latch onto him. Problem is womens problems make men run!

  62. I think the why of my neediness is that I lost my mom a few years ago (4) and I am 15 and I just want to be loved. I have a looong list of mental health issues and also trust issues. I just lost a friend that i thought was my best friend and she just told me that it's all my fault for ,,holding her too thight"

  63. Hi Kati, I should admit I haven't gone through all of your videos yet, but would you be able to talk to familial enmeshment and how one differentiates? I'm curious if enmeshment in a family can be created by a sibling and not necessarily the parent(s), especially if it's possible that that sibling is a narcissist. I'm also curious how someone who is becoming aware of enmeshment can break free (differentiate?) and become healthy beyond just making and maintaining boundaries.

  64. I am so bad with boundaries and I feel so bad when I violate people’s boundaries. But the thing is I have no idea at all that I’m doing it until they get really mad and act out in defense.

  65. Hello Kati I just wanted to say THANK YOU, by sharing this knowledge of yours that should be paid in a very expensive therapy otherwise, you help me and I bet a lot more people to be emotionally healthy 💖

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